[[!meta title="Resolutions"]]

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Good resolutions are like gold: shiny, dense, ductile, malleable, and represented by the symbol __Au__. (Aurum? But I hardly even know him!)



Have a resolution you think we should debate? Suggest it at one of our meetings! If you can't come, or think you'll forget by then, send it to the [Scriba](mailto:resoboobslution[AT]gmail[DOT]com).


What we haven't used (yet):

* Resolved: If you poke a hole in the condom, you're the father.
* Resolved: Seduction is for animals.
* Resolved: Seduction junction, what's yo' fucktion?
* Resolved: I am VERY aroused.
* Resolved: I am VERY seduced.
* Resolved: I am VERY animal.
* Resolved: If you have sex, the unicorn will get you.
* Resolved: Incest is fun for the whole family.
* Resolved: There is nothing manlier than gay sex.
* Resolved: I appreciate a sizable posterior and I find myself on this matter quite unable to prevaricate.
* Resolved: I'm not trying to be an asshole, really!
* Resolved: They don't think it be like it is but it do


##Resolution Archive
The following is a reverse chronological order listing of resolutions debated by the Philolexian Society:

###Fall 2018
* Resolved: Almonds are wood. *Passed*
* Resolved: I'm proud of you, son. (Geezer Night) *Failed*
* Resolved: Man is a featherless biped. *Failed*
* Resolved: Let's unpack that. *Failed*
* Resolved: Ma'am I'm here to fix your pipes. *Failed*
* Resolved: I have earned these organs. *Failed*
* Resolved: God is flat. *Failed*
* Resolved: There's something up. *Passed*
* Resolved: Your first time is always bad. *Passed*

###Spring 2017
* Resolved: Robocop would make a pretty good pope. *Passed*
* Resolved: [[Banana Republic is a better name for a child than a clothing store.]] *Passed*
* Resolved: [[In the context of cereal, milk is a sauce.]] *Failed*
* Resolved: Plato is a hoax invented by Socrates to be the ultimate hype man and spec is in on it and actively covering this up. *Failed*
* Resolved: I'm the most dateable person in this room. *Passed*
* Resolved: Soft shell tacos are better than hard shell tacos. *Passed*
* Resolved: You cannot teach an old dog the meaning of its own mortality. *Passed*
* Resolved: If you die in Canada you die in real life.

###Fall 2016

###Spring 2016
* Resolved: Bracket Stump Speech Resolution Generator 
* Resolved: Air quotes are "suspicious" *Passed*
* Resolved: Bring back Feudalism *Passed*
* Resolved: Hermit crabs are the most sociable of sea creatures *Passed*
* Resolved: Twitter v. Bird *Failed*
* Resolved: Dirigibles: Enough is enough! *Passed*
* Resolved: Dinosaurs are a fraud *Failed*
* Resolved: Not all knowledge is worth having *Passed*
* Resolved: We are all entitled to three chickens *Failed*
* Resolved: The bigger problem is that we are all stranded in the vacuum of space *Passed*
* Resolved: Cards Against Humanity Stump Speech *Passed*
* Resolved: Ignoring problems long enough makes them go away *Failed*
* Resolved: Bromance is dead *Passed*
* Resolved: Our jokes define our reality *Passed*
* Resolved: Friends are a crutch for the weak *Passed*
* Resolved: Shhh...Shhh...it's capitalism *Passed*
* Resolved: Killing one bird with one stone should be enough for anyone *Passed*
* Resolved: If fingers are lil' dicks your hands grow and fondle for themselves, dicks are big ol' middle fingers that your torso uses to show the world how it really feels. *Passed* 
* Resolved: Librarians vs. Libertarians *Passed*
* Resolved: You thought it was paint but it ain't *Failed*
* Resolved: Retirement is for quitters *Passed*

###Fall 2015
* Resolved: Being cool is better than being happy *Failed*


###Spring 2015
* Resolved: The Fall of the Soviet Union was a Hoax.
* Resolved: Replace Congress with a Ouija Board.
* Resolved: Marriage is a Sacred Bond Between a Man…and the Sea.
* Resolved: It Is Not Okay to Be an Astronaut.
* Resolved: Everything the Light Touches Should Be Mine.
* Beat Poetry Night!
* Resolved: SeaCaptainDate.com Stump Speech.
* Resolved: Revenge Can Be Spectacular.
* Resolved: [[Batman Is the Modern Day Hamlet]].
* Resolved: All Straights Are Dire.
* Resolved: Resolutions created by Mr. Kirkenspock's resolution generator.

###Fall 2014
* Resolved: NSOP wasn't that bad.
* Resolved: There is an objectively best sandwich.
* Resolved: [[Ronald Reagan was a demi-god]].
* Resolved: Marriage is for the weak.
* Resolved: End women's suffrage.
* Resolved: Taylor Swift v. Jonathan Swift
* Resolved: They can't send us ALL to detention.
* Resolved: [[You should take candy from strangers]].
* Resolved: Fuck that one guy.
* The 29th Alfred Joyce Kilmer Memorial Bad Poetry Contest
* Professor Tea with Kate Zambreno
* Resolved: [[Parental Advice Stump Speech]].
* Resolved: Human colonies on other planets— Yes? No? What kind?

###Spring 2014
* Resolved: We all need to stop trying so hard.
* Resolved: Somebody should do something about all the Problems.
* Resolved: America means never having to say you're sorry.
* Resolved: Wordplay is better than foreplay.
* Resolved: Social media is our greatest contribution to society.
* Resolved: ... Hedonism is too exhausting (*sigh*).
* Resolved: Being cool is better than being happy. 

###Spring 2013
* Resolved: We all need to stop trying so hard. *failed*
* Resolved: Somebody should do something about all the problems. *passed*
* Resolved: Social ties are only useful for garnering power. *failed*
* Resolved: The NSA would make the best boyfriend. *failed*
* Resolved: America means never having to say you're sorry. *failed*
* Resolved: Wordplay is better than foreplay. *passed*
* Resolved: Social Media is our generation's greatest contribution to history. *failed*
* Resolved: Science isn't real. *passed*
* Resolved: Jenny Holzer Stump Speech. *passed*
* Resolved: Hedonism is too exhausting. *failed*
* Resolved: If life were a horror movie, I would be the first to die. *passed*
* Resolved: Being cool is better than being happy. 

###Fall 2013
* Resolved: Finders keepers applies to everything. *failed*
* Resolved: Space Jam is a modern retelling of the Bible. *passed*
* Resolved: [[We live in a dystopian future]]. *passed*
* Resolved: [[Replace the Core with YA Lit]]. *passed*
* Resolved: We only experience love because art tells us about it. *failed*
* Resolved: America is for wimps. *passed*
* Resolved: Goldman Sachs Elevator Twitter Stump Speech! *passed*
* Resolved: Nothing good ever comes from an -ism *failed*
* Resolved: Human communication is ruining social media. *passed*
* Resolved: Halloween brings out our true selves. *passed*
* Resolved: America is like a metaphor. *failed*
* The 28th Alfred Joyce Kilmer Memorial Bad Poetry Contest
* Resolved: Puns not guns. *passed*
* Resolved: It's not real unless we remember it. *failed*

###Fall 2012
* Resolved: The Supreme Court should decide cases through trial by combat.
* Resolved: The laws of nature do not apply to humans.
* Resolved: Reality is a con run by white people.
* Resolved: Art is the root of all suffering.
* Resolved: It’s too late for Earth; we need to flee into space.
* Resolved: If it can’t be bought, it’s not worth having.
* Resolved: Technology can never increase human happiness.
* Resolved: Suffering is preferable to boredom.
* Resolved: Only obey good laws.
* Resolved: Fuck the polis.
* Resolved: Kanye West quotes stump speech.
* Resolved: Superman is the American Jesus.

###Spring 2012
* Resolved: Occupation is the greatest American pastime.
* Resolved: Any problem can be resolved by pretending it doesn’t exist.
* Resolved: Trophy husband is a legitimate career aspiration.
* Resolved: Dinosaurs are better than ghosts.
* Resolved: Republican Primary stump speech.
* Resolved: Replace the Euro with seashells.
* Resolved: “They do it in the Bible” is a legitimate excuse for our moral failings.
* Resolved: There is nothing wrong with heterosexuality.
* Resolved: Art is good.
* Resolved: I have the best face.
* Resolved: Everyone is better off naked.
* Resolved: If you eat it, it is food.
* Resolved: Video games prepare people for healthy social interaction.
* Resolved: Tradition is useless.

###Fall 2011
* Resolved: Children's television shows reflect the darkness of the human soul.
* Resolved: Babies have no value.
* Resolved: No good deed goes unpunished.
* Resolved: Let justice be done though the world perish.
* Resolved: Lowered expectations save lives.
* Resolved: Time is a thing of the past.
* Resolved: Helping the elderly prolongs their suffering.
* Resolved: Rap lyrics stump speech.
* Resolved: Romantic comedies provide useful dating advice.
* Resolved: Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
* Resolved: Humans have had their chance, let robots have a shot.
* Resolved: The Christmas Miracle is more miraculous than the Hanukkah Miracle.

###Spring 2011
* Resolved: Capitalism is unnatural.
* Resolved: Education is wasted on the rich.
* Resolved: Revenge is always justified.
* Resolved: The internet has permanently stunted human development.
* Resolved: Everyone needs a nemesis.
* Resolved: Words have lost their power.
* Resolved: It is better to die with dignity than to live with shame.
* Resolved: Nostalgia was better back in the day.
* Resolved: With no power comes no responsibility.
* Resolved: Stump speech—Julie Andrews edition.
* Resolved: The moon should belong to America.
* Resolved: Everything good will kill you.
* Resolved: Facts are inconvenient.
* Resolved: Immortality is undesirable.


###Fall 2010
* Resolved: [[Legalize murder.]] *Passed*
* Resolved: [[Ms. Frizzle is a better science teacher than Bill Nye.]]
* Resolved: [[Humanity has not earned the right to exist.]]
* Resolved: [[Congress shouldn't make laws.]]
* Resolved: [[Stump Speech]]
* Resolved: [[Seduction is for animals.]]
* Resolved: [[I am not a witch.]] 
* Resolved: [[Philosophers are just lazy scientists.]] *Passed*
* Resolved: [[It's better if it's not your own.]] *Failed*
* Resolved: [[All jobs are a form of prostitution.]] *Passed*
* Resolved: [[We won;t be safe until every American owns a gun.]] *Failed*
* Resolved: [[Tolerance is the downfall of civilization.]] *Failed*

###Spring 2010
* Resolved: If you're not offending someone, you're doing it wrong. *Passed*
* Resolved: The best marriage is an arranged marriage. *Passed*
* Resolved: Children are essentially worthless. *Passed*
* Resolved: Science kills dreams. *Failed*
* Resolved: Where words fail, fists prevail. *Passed*
* Resolved: Humanity is the least successful species on Earth. (Geezer Night) *Failed*
* Resolved: There is a God, He's just not that into you. *Passed*
* Resolved: Friends don't let friends have sex. *Failed*
* Resolved: The only alternative to boredom is insanity.
* Resolved: 19th century child labor made the world what it is today. *Failed*
* Resolved: Modern technology is interfering with human communication. *Failed*

###Fall 2009
* Resolved: Shame is the most important emotion. *Failed*
* Resolved: An Ivy League education is only good for making other people feel stupid. *Failed*
* Resolved: The South will rise again. *Failed*
* Resolved: If I can't see it, it doesn't exist. *Failed*
* Resolved: An overreaction is a better reaction. (Geezer Night) *Passed*
* Resolved: Things will never get better. *Failed*
* Resolved: I will fight a gorilla. *Passed*
* Resolved: Death Panels are the American way. *Failed*
* Resolved: It won't ruin the friendship. *Passed*
* Resolved: Mo' money, mo' problems. *Passed*

###Spring 2009
* Resolved: Postmodernism is behind the times
* Resolved: Fashion is not art
* Resolved: Animal rights come at the expense of human needs
* Resolved: Baby boomers are the worst generation ever (Geezer Night)
* Resolved: First-year housing should be shittier
* Resolved: The Holy Land should be returned to the British Empire
* Resolved: Writing about music is like dancing about architecture
* Resolved: I like my toast like I like my women
* Resolved: The meaning of life is irrelevant
* Resolved: Abortion is gay
* Resolved: If you stop hoping and dreaming, Obama will die
###Fall 2008
* Resolved: Gay marriage isn't wrong, all marriage is wrong.
* Resolved: What alcohol cannot fix is not a problem.
* Resolved: College students are above the law.
* Resolved: An addiction to elegance is a virtue, not a vice.
* Resolved: Children's stories shouldn't end happily ever after. (Geezer Night)
* Resolved: You're a commodity on the sex market, and your price is going down.
* Resolved: Social science is to science as tofu is to food. 
* Resolved: The laws of science are unconstitutional.
* Resolved: Carmen Sandiego is a positive female role model.
* Resolved: Refrigerators make crime inevitable.
* Resolved: Natural selection is over. We won!
###Spring 2008
* Resolved: The easy way is always the best way.
* Resolved: [[Shooting people is bad.]]
* Resolved: [[Pope v. Bear]]
* Resolved: Bring back prohibition.
* Resolved: All literature should be choose-your-own-adventure.
* Resolved: Perspective solves everything. (Geezer Night)
* Resolved: We only want what's bad for us.
* Resolved: Murderers are an essential part of our ecosystem.
* Resolved: Penguins deserve to fly.
* Resolved: We are going to run out of reasons to live before we run out of natural resources.
* Resolved: Art cannot be made intentionally.
* Resolved: Having an embarrassing name is worse than having an embarrassing face.
* Resolved: Roofies are for lazy fuckers.
###Fall 2007
* Resolved: Blogging is a bigger threat to our society than AIDS.
* Resolved: Encourage stem-cell research to kill babies.
* Resolved: BITCH SET ME UP!
* Resolved: Madness and genius are separated by degrees of success.
* Resolved: Offense taken at art is a sign of weakness on the part of the observer. (Geezer Night)
* Resolved: Ugliness is the result of personal failure.
* Resolved: Vegetarians don't care as much about animals as they say.
* Resolved: Naked People are much hotter than clothed people
* Resolved: Suffering Makes you Legitimate
* Resolved: The detrimental effects of smoking do not outweigh how cool you look doing it.
* Resolved: The 21st Century will be characterized by unceasing boredom.
###Spring 2007
* Resolved: If you say it loud, it's true.
* Resolved: Everyone is an asshole when you get to know 'em. (Geezer Night)
* Resolved: Student government is incredibly lame (a recurring special)
* Resolved: The Dead Have It Better Than the Living.
* Resolved: English is the Sexiest Language.
* Resolved: Sacrilege is Subjective
* Resolved: People on Welfare Rarely Fare Well.
* Resolved: Parents have no business raising children.
* Resolved: Monogamy is for Girls
* Resolved: Change comes through the barrel of a gun
* Resolved: Everyone Hates America Because We Are Fat
###Fall 2006
* Resolved: Organized sports are a greater threat to society than organized religions.
* Resolved: Legalize marijuana; ban potheads.
* Resolved: Children are our future...unless we stop them now!
* Resolved: Somebody should do something about all the problems.
* Resolved: It's miserable to be middle-class.
* Resolved: Money is wasted on the old. (Geezer Night)
* Resolved: Save us, not the whales.
* Resolved: "Stop being a pussy!" is not offensive
* Resolved: End Male Suffrage.
* Resolved: Most problems solve themselves, given time and wilful ignorance.
* Resolved: Science geeks are sexier than humanities geeks.
* Resolved: Combat global warming by moving the Earth farther from the Sun.
###Spring 2006
* Resolved: Google has killed the search for truth
* Resolved: April 20, 2006
* Resolved: April 13, 2006
* Resolved: Progress is measured in large explosions.
* Resolved: Feminism killed chivalry.
* Resolved: Property is theft.
* Resolved: All history is black history.
* Resolved: Let's get back to our roots and work the land.
* Resolved: Humanity has killed natural selection.
* Resolved: The human race will be extinct in our lifetimes.
* Resolved: Words suffocate thought.
* Resolved: Gender equality can only be achieved in deep space.
* Resolved: Ignorance is strength.
###Fall 2005
* Resolved: Life will be better under the sea
* Resolved: Everyone has culture... except white people.
* Resolved: Faith is sexier than reason
* Resolved: All history is biography
* Resolved: The people who make interesting art are never interesting. (Geezer Night)
* Resolved: There is no such thing as progress.
* Resolved: The national debt should be lowered through the use of a fast-food tax.
* Resolved: Love is biology masquerading as poetry.
* Resolved: The Supreme Court Should Be Chosen By Lottery.
* Resolved: Inheritance has no place in the capitalist system.
* Resolved: “March of the Penguins” is the harbinger of the coming revolution.
###Spring 2005
* Resolved: Death is an Illusion
* Resolved: April 7, 2005
* Resolved: Only the Grammatically Conscious Deserve a Home on the Internet
* Resolved: End the Space Program
* Resolved: There is no reason to do anything
* Resolved: If you stole it, you've earned it.
* Resolved: Conversation is a Dying Art (Geezer Night)
* Resolved: Religion is the Stimulant of the People
* Resolved: February 3, 2005
* Resolved: Shallow is the New Deep
* Resolved: New York City is the True City of Brotherly Love (Special Philomathan visit debate)
###Fall 2004
* Resolved: Censorship is the highest form of flattery
* Resolved: Chicks dig scrawny pale guys
* Resolved: Vegans are lower on the food chain
* Resolved: There is no habitat for humanity.
* Resolved: We need more chlorine in the gene pool
* Resolved: Minimalism is just another word for laziness
* Resolved: Companies love misery
* Resolved: Undergarments are so twentieth century
* Resolved: Instead of killing imaginary monsters, just talk to people.
* Resolved: Social cripples should get disability benefits.
* Resolved: Suicide should be decriminalized.
* Resolved: All the Iraqi interim government needs is an orientation week.
###Spring 2004
###Fall 2003
Only Orientation through October 23, 2003 available

* Resolved: We must strike now, while England is weak
* Resolved: October 16, 2003
* Resolved: October 9, 2003
* Resolved: New York City should outlaw cars
* Resolved: Successful plagiarism is creative writing
* Resolved: History is written by the victors, but studied by losers
* Resolved: The Coyote is a Far More Appealing Figure than the Roadrunner... In a Miltonian "Better to Rule in Hell than Serve in Heaven," Tragic, Rebellious Kinda Way.
* Resolved: A jury has no more right to kill you than I do.
* Resolved: The lemmings know something that we don't
###Resolutions culled from the Philo flyer archive of Thalia Robakis (Ca. 1999)
* Resolved: Art is bunk
* Resolved: Belief in God makes people do silly things and then yell at each other about it
* Resolved: Mental masturbation is birth control for intellectuals
* Resolved: Intelligence is an illusion; stupidity is all too real
* Resolved: Sometimes it helps to have victims
* Resolved: Old age is not worth sticking around for
###Resolutions culled from the Philo flyer archive of Adam Fields (Ca. 1994-1996)
* Resolved: Agnosticism is a form of cowardice
* Resolved: Barbie lives in spiritual impoverishment
* Resolved: Blunders are worse than crimes
* Resolved: Barnard girls are easy
* Resolved: Conversio Virum should be readmitted to Earl Hall
* Resolved: <a href="http://www.columbia.edu/cu/philo/legacy_content/content/archives/Philo/Posters/dammitweshouldbelearningaboutdeadwhitemales.jpg">Dammit, we *should* be learning about dead, white males!</a>
* Resolved: Dr. Seuss should be taught in the Core Curriculum
* Resolved: Fuck art, let's kill
* Resolved: Give us back the Cold War
* Resolved: Happiness is fleeting, pain is real
* Resolved: Hate makes the world go 'round
* Resolved: <a href="http://www.columbia.edu/cu/philo/legacy_content/content/archives/Philo/Posters/hedonismisthehighestformofeducation.jpg">Hedonism is the highest form of education</a>
* Resolved: History is better than science, and always fucking will be!
* Resolved: Human dignity is worth more than economic progress
* Resolved: If you don't work, you shouldn't eat
* Resolved: If you love somebody, set them on fire
* Resolved: Insanity is no excuse for murder
* Resolved: It's better not to ask
* Resolved: Marriage is just a license to fuck legitimately
* Resolved: More attractive people really are better
* Resolved: Nothing beats tension like killing your neighbors
* Resolved: Of all major religious figures, Buddha would have made the best DJ
* Resolved: Only obey good laws
* Resolved: Paranoia is better than apathy
* Resolved: Republicans are the tools of satan
* Resolved: Revenge is the poor delight of petty minds
* Resolved: Science is more important than the humanities
* Resolved: Self-worship is the only valid religion
* Resolved: Some cultures deserve to perish
* Resolved: Stop marching, get a gun
* Resolved: Student government is amazingly lame
* Resolved: Student government is still, once again, for the fifth smash year, amazingly lame
* Resolved: Student government is still, perpetually, continually, and yet again for the sixth year, amazingly lame (it would appear that this meme, a staple of early April debates, began in April of 1990)
* Resolved: The best form of government is no government at all
* Resolved: The brothel is the touchstone of female empowerment
* Resolved: The path to enlightenment leads directly through the Dorito(R) Aisle
* Resolved: The proposed increase in class size will destroy the College
* Resolved: The struggle to maintain identity is stronger than the desire to assimilate
* Resolved: Tolerance of homosexuality should be taught in NYC schools
* Resolved: Trust is out of style
* Resolved: When in doubt, choose the more complicated solution
* Resolved: Women already have equality
* Resolved: Yield to temptation - it may not come your way again
* Resolved: You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake