[[!meta title="Kilmer 2008: Second Runner-Up"]]
by Jacob Rice, CC '12
"The plays the thing," he said with glee
"Wherein I'll catch some royalty."
But no revenge would have been had
If his play had been half this bad.
The verse is old and quite outdated.
And the language is all antiquated.
And, if that wasn't bad enough,
He crams it full of poetic stuff.
And it isn't just the way he writes,
Or that his actors dress in tights.
What cuts me deeper than a lance
Are plot holes the size of elephants.
I just don't get it, what's the point
Of saying the times are out of joint?
We already noticed that little fact
When hamlet aged ten years in a single act.
Or the traveler's bourn from whence none returns.
Which really gives my stomache turns.
Since just before this speech was done
The ghost came back to tell his son.
He takes Polonius for the king,
Who he just passed whilst praying.
Doesn't think the queen might have escort
Just assumes the king can teleport.
And then the poet lies to us
And the dramatic end is a big old bust.
The rest is silence, so you say.
Then why don't you just end this play?
But all the problems with verse and plot
Fail to measure up a dot.
For the thing that truly makes me itch
Is that our poor Hamlet is a punk ass bitch.
I'm sorry that your daddy's dead
And for all the tears that you have shed.
But I have just one small critqe
Have you ever had a thought that you didn't speak?
He finds out that his fathers dead
So he pretends to be crazy in the head.
Somehow this is supposed to bring
Some terrible vengeance upon the king?
And then there's the beautiful blushing maid,
Ophelia, who he's already laid.
And this innocent thing with whom he lied
He drives to committing suicide.
To be or maybe not to be.
Why that's a question I cannot see?
Oh what a rogue and peasant slave are you
So kill yourself without this todo.
And despite all of these major flaws,
As if it were written in the laws,
We're all expected to know this story
In every little bit of glory.
The book has lasted four hundred years
For the sole purpose of bringing me to tears
But now I've finally conquered my fears
So I'm ending it now, alight the biers.
Three Dishonorable Mentions