Los Angeles Research
P.O. Box 92859
Los Angeles, CA 90009
Last evening, the general membership of the Philolexian Society,
Columbia University's student organization dedicated to improving
the rhetorical skills and literary awareness of its members, voted
to name L.A. Looks the official hair gel of the society. We make
this designation in recognition of the outstanding contributions
to American literature made by the promoters of L.A. Looks products.
Like no other hair gel, L.A. Looks delivers "flexible, long-lasting
hold so you can achieve the individual look you want."
Creating an individual and highly stylized look has long been
a goal of the Philolexian Society. While dressing up for meetings
is always encouraged, many of us Philolexians find ourselves at
eight o'clock on a Thursday night craving that extra something
to distinguish us from the rest of the Lerner Hall crowd. Finding
such a distinctive component of personal style can prove a monumental
task, but with a hair gel so fine as L.A. Looks, none would ever
mistake us for the ISO or that breakdancing club that meets outside
And what lover of great literature and heady discourse could resist
such alluring facets as hair strengthening compound with "activated"
panthenol, which would increase the Philolexian Society's resistance
to breakage and damage caused by overheating? As losing members
to spontaneous combustion might harm our efforts to acquire halls
and better funds, we kindly request that you aid us posthaste
in our quest for best results.
I have been charged with the duty of informing you of this designation,
which we hope you will deem an honor. Though the Philolexian Society,
established in 1802, is Columbia's oldest student organization,
and one of the oldest literary societies in the country, it has
never before seen fit to name an official hair gel. The undeniable
kindred spirit between your company and our society, manifest
in L.A. Looks styling gel, drove us to break all precedent in
this case. We hope that it will also facilitate friendly contact
between us in the future. I thank you for your patience and wish
you a pleasant fall.